There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
