When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
