Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
