4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
