I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
