I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize