It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
