I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
