I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
