you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
sex in a hospital.. check
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Randomize
