I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
