she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
and she was petting her beer can
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
