There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
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he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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