I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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