Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
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Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
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I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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