On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
