dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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