We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
