I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
