You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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