Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
