i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
