Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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