the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
