For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
