True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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