I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
