420 ftw
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
