Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
