when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
