It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
