the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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