Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
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dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
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I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
The ass gains better be worth it
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