There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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