Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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