It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
