i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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