I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
