It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
