More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
