omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
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