just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
