somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
