my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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