the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Are my feet made of real feet?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
