Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
