Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
