i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
