Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
