is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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