The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
