I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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