I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
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Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
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Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Did you pee in the oven last night??
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
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