CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
