im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
